"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
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